In the past month, I have encountered so many Nutter Butters that I’ve started checking wrists for “if lost, please return to the psychiatric ward” bracelets.

Not only have I met too many full-on wackadoodles to count, I have also come across several people where the only thing I can wonder about them is what planet they are from. (And I am not talking Mars and Venus here.)

Take the other day for example….   I was not-so-patiently waiting in my dentist’s office.   As always, he was running late and if that wasn’t irritating enough, his big, fat liar assistant said that he was only twenty minutes behind.  Twenty minutes times four was more like it.

Anyway, I had plopped myself in the only seat available, right next to the fish tank.

My dentist has a huge fish tank – and when I say huge, I mean Boston-Aquarium-scuba-divers-inside sized.   (Since fish tanks are supposed to be relaxing, I personally think he’s compensating for being a dentist.)

Unlike a lot of fish tanks, his tank is impeccably clean and he has interesting fish, not just those bottom-sucking fish that refuse to die that most folks have.  You know, the leftover fish.

Like moths to a flame.

As if it was some sort of rite of passage, every five to ten minutes, someone (an adult, not a child) would come to see the fish.     

What did the MAJORITY of folks do when they got to the fish tank?

Yes, you guessed it.

They tapped the glass.

I repeat: THEY TAPPED THE GLASS.

What the hell?

You don’t have to be a poker player to know that if you tap the glass, you scare away the fish.

I won’t embellish the story to add that folks said “here fishy-fishy” when they tapped the tank, because they didn’t.  Yet all but one of them acted as if the fish were cuddly creatures and they’d come running, er, swimming, to the front of the tank when called.

As if.

Tapping the tank scares away the fish in the SAME EXACT WAY that tapping-type behavior scares away users on your web site.

Here are a few examples of tapping the tank when it comes to your site…  (Note: these are not best practices.  They aren’t even mildly good practices.  These are things to AVOID.)

• Auto-starting sound (yes, it is sometimes effective but unless you’ve tested it, it’s NOT a good idea)
• Scary errors – especially security warnings.  (If you want an easy way to figure out how the “average person” (yes, even in B2B) sees your site, download the full version of AOL and look at your site from there.
• “Nothing to do” on the entry page.  Companies – ecommerce businesses, bloggers, almost everyone – underestimates this.  Because of the way the brain works in conquer mode, the user will be most successful overall if they have a sense of purpose and then accomplishment.  This is beyond the library and bookstore analogy – this is about getting the user to “act” or “do” as fast as you possibly can.  Your web site is a VERY visual medium and the user has to get their “orders” (aka action directives) within thirty seconds (or less) of being there.
• Poor navigation.  Navigation accounts for over half your success online.  You get what I give you.  If I don’t give it to you, you don’t get it.  It’s as plain and simple as that.
• An abundance of white picket fences.  Far too many sites still have no other choices but for me to marry you , have your babies, get a Golden Retriever and a house with a picket fence.   If I don’t want to fully commit (for example: request a quote or order), there’s nothing else I can do.  (Offering an e-mail sign-up, ask an expert, a poll/survey goes a long way.)
• Too much SEO text.  Yes, there is a balance.  No, it’s not taking up the entire first view.  Search engines “see” things in text.  People see them in pictures.
• Carousels and banners that are too speedy.   Flow is important so just because you want to jam eight rotations into your space doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.  Nor is it a wise tactic to have all sorts of competing rotation(s).  (In other words, using a slammer and a carousel on the same page is typically a bad idea.)
• Midis, catfishes, sidewinders, and pop-ups without purpose. Pop-ups (and similar tactics) really work.  (And no, I don’t care how much everyone says they hate them) but they are COMPLETELY dependent on creative – ESPECIALLY graphics – and they need to have something for the user to do.  Just asking them to close the box is not enough. 

There are lots of other no-nos so what’s important to remember is that you can determine whether or not you are scaring away YOUR fish by looking at your “screaming girl” stats.  Yes, screaming girls.  Every site has ‘em.