Despite the fact that he’s a lawyer (in Beverly Hills, no less), my friend, Brian, is one of the most incredible men I have ever met in my life.

Brian is rocket-scientist sharp; well-read, well informed and well-versed; heartbreakingly sweet; a loving, single parent to two energetic young boys; easy to talk to and easy to be with in general; and good looking (with biceps the size of Popeye’s — after he’s eaten the spinach.) He’s fun, funny (Brian has a wickedly snarky sense of humor) and he’s got that whole sexy, magical, mystical air about him (he’s Iranian which means he was born profound and Rumi-esque.)

So, what’s Brian’s Achilles Heel?

Crazy women.

Yes, that’s right. Brian is attracted to Nutter Butters of the Nth Degree.

And when I say “crazy”, I don’t mean a little off, I mean in-and-out-of-the-nuthouse-over-the-top-Looney-Tunes.

Brian’s last five girlfriends could all star in the next reality show — America’s Got Nuts (although to be honest, I am thinking Fear Factor would be a more apt title — the fact that these girls walk the streets could terrify even the un-scare-able.)

His taste in women varies — so although they’re all beautiful in their own right, they’re not all faux blondes (like the spicy “girls just wanna have fun” party queen who is hell-bent on finding a Sugar Daddy… or two.. or ten) or heavily inked (like the girl who lived in the back of her car but had the latest-and-greatest BlackBerry — homeless chic, I think they call it) or voluptuous (like the ex-porn star turned almost-B-movie actress.) Brian’s “type” doesn’t really have anything to do with physical characteristics — just the emotional quality that says you need to be several French Fries short of a Happy Meal to get his attention.

Over time, I’ve figured out the reason that Brian ends up with all these wackadoodles is that he, like many men (especially the hot-blooded boys of the Middle Eastern persuasion), is under the false impression that crazy women are better in bed, which they are unequivocally not.

How do I know this for a fact? Truth is that I don’t. I haven’t slept with a crazy woman or any girls at all for that matter (no, not even experimentally in college.) I’m convinced my life would be easier if I was attracted to females but it’s just not in the cards for me this lifetime. (No, not even if I end up in prison, Ms. G.)

However, even though I haven’t personally gathered the evidence per se, I’d still be willing to bet the BIG BUCKS on it. Crazy women aren’t better in bed. What they are better at is selling themselves and their story. And for the love of all things holy, those wackadoodles can come up with not only tearjerkers but impressive achievements. I mean really… No sane woman (that may be a slight oxymoron) is going to dazzle you with tales of her last six years as the lead in Cirque du Soleil’s Zumanity. (Have you seen how those girls twist their bodies? Yowza.) Nor will she suggest she got the scar on her shoulder from a chandelier-swinging episode ten years ago — you know the one that she “is just too embarrased” {insert coy smile here} to talk about.

Bipolar bimbelinas being better in bed is like judging a guy by his shoe size or his ethnicity, both of which may be an indication of something (statistically but not empirically), and not exactly of prowess.

Unfortunately, it’s just one of the many marketing myths folks believe…. but it’s not the worst by any stretch of the imagination.

The worst myth is that conversion is what matters most when it comes to online marketing.

You’ve got to be kidding, right?

If conversion is the only thing that counts, just reduce or block your traffic till you get it to where you want it to be. I mean really, if you have one person coming to your site and said individual buys (or quotes, or whatever it is that you want your final action to be), your conversion will be 100%. That’s impressive, right?

People come up to me all the time and say “I want to be like {name of site.} I saw on {name of latest and greatest report} that they get 19% conversion. We only get 2%. We want to get 19% like them. How do we do it?”

You want to get 19% because some company on a list gets 19%? Are you insane? Are you good in bed? I am doing a study…. Seriously, if said “best” company is getting over three-quarters of their traffic from direct/no referrer sources is that 19% number still good? Those are people that likely know the company — at least enough to type in their name directly into the browser box. Is their situation similar to yours?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you shouldn’t measure conversion because you should. In fact, we get a lot of clients because we often guarantee we can increase your conversion (and no, we don’t play any sneaky tricks like decreasing the traffic either) but we look at that conversion number with a grain (read: a whole lick) of salt.

So, what should you do? Here are five tips to help you measure what matters —

1. Know who you are. A home delivery food company is going to have a very different ability to convert than say, a B2B company selling cranes. You need food every day but how often do you need a crane? A company that specializes in diabetic medical supplies is going to have a much different ability to convert than someone who sells pregnancy clothing. You need to determine who you are, how much your customers need of your products or service and how often they’ll need it. (Then, if you want to compare, at least benchmark yourself to someone similar to you in your category.)

2. Look at your conversion by source and then set reasonable expectations. You simply must know where your traffic is coming from. Companies who have all direct/no referrer traffic are going to have very different conversion rates than companies who have none. Companies with big brand names (LL Bean or Land’s End, for example) are going to have very different conversion rates than a company like Bliss Living. Bliss Living does a lot of things right on their site but they’re relatively new and they don’t have a bunch of offline advertising (direct mail catalogs, solos, TV and radio spots, advertisements, etc.) to fuel them. Comparing Bliss Living to LL Bean would be like comparing a golf ball to a watermelon.

3. Once you know #2, you should try to prioritize where you’ll get your biggest scores. I’m not a big fan of looking at overall conversion rates because I think they are very misleading but more important, they also don’t tell you what to fix — in other words, where to start dusting the seats of the Titanic. For example, let’s say your overall conversion rate is 4% and you have a catalog business. Is that good or bad? Let’s look at your Ordering From a Catalog? page — how many people are going to that page? How many people are finishing/converting? If you are sending a lot of offline traffic online to place an order, they should be converting a heck of a lot better than someone who doesn’t know you from Adam. How many people would you accept calling your call center to place an order and then hanging up in the middle of the call? Not many, I imagine.

4. Know where people are stopping in your pipeline. This is critical. A lot of times companies do all the right things till the checkout (including the view cart page.) Then all hell breaks loose. You need to develop a funnel. The top (or opening/large part) of the funnel is the traffic coming to your site and the bottom (the teensy part) is the orders or leads you’re getting. These days, a lot of folks have enough traffic coming in at the top but then nothing/very little comes out the bottom. (Picture the bump in the snake who has just eaten a rat.) If you fit into that category, your conversion rate probably sucks. The good news is that scenario is one of the easiest to improve. You’ve got to know what’s broken before you fix it.

5. Ask for the order. I go into this ad nauseam throughout this QLOG so much so that I get frequently accused of beating a dead horse. Honey, till that horse is Alpo or Elmer’s I am going to keep beating it. A long time ago, in a land far, far away, I saw Seth Godin speak. At the time he was at Yoyodyne (a division of Yahoo) and he said something to the effect of — “you are the zookeeper of your website. It’s your job to take care of the gorillas (the users).” To this day, I remember that story because it was just SO clear — you want someone to do something, you need to tell them to do it — gorillas don’t get into their cages on their own. Don’t think that just because you write a bazillion articles on social marketing and are truly a social marketing genius (yes, there really are a couple that fit into that category) that they will know that they can hire you for consulting. Tell them you do it and then ask them for their order. Don’t assume that because “everyone knows you” that they will come to your site and order. This isn’t Field of Dreams. You want the order, you need to ask for it. If you want conversions, you need to fight for them. You can do what you want to get them — whether it be adding a perpetual cart/lead form, adding more buy now/add to cart buttons, strengthening your action bar to tell people what they’re supposed to do, or telling the user that you’re a psychic and you can see in their future that they’ll be giving you two children. I mean orders…

Note from Amy: I get very few comments on this QLOG. (Hear the violins playing in the background.) However, after EVERY post, I get 100+ emails telling me what I said/did right/wrong. I love the e-mails (please keep them coming), however, before you write, please know that I get that mental illness is a serious disease so you don’t need to school me on my insensitivity toward the kids who frequent the Cuckoo’s Nest. I am an equally opportunity offender.

Second, if you are questioning my lack of segue from being a freak in the sheets to conversion — please read between the lines and know that I adore Brian and was trying to avoid saying something pithy like “Brian’s a successful lawyer and a single parent. He has virtually no time to himself. When he goes out, he is typically looking for action. The crazies are the easiest girls to get but just because you act like a tigress in a bar (or play one on TV for that matter) doesn’t mean…” Well, you get the idea.

Third, Brian is not my type. I love him to pieces but the truth is that the guys I like are found here: http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/topten/fugitives/fugitives.htm. So, if you think that there’s a big finder’s fee in hooking me up, start with that list, ok? You’ll make the world a better place on many levels and you’ll even get paid (reward money) for your matchmaking services.